Everyday I go through the same thoughts, the thoughts that are pushing me forward but preventing me from going any further at the same time. It have been some time that my life looks like a vicious circle, and I'm not sure if it's due to those same the thoughts or if it's due to my perspective on things. Everyday I would tell myself I want to improve and become a better person but most of the time, something seems to make me forget about what I want and it seems to push me towards the choices that make my day go in vain. This seems to happen everyday.
I want to be able to keep the mindset of wanting to become better. I cannot keep it. The neglecting mindset seems to always win in the battle. There's many things I neglect in my life, things I should be respecting and spending proper time to. However, I prefer to zone out, create a bubble in which i can stay comfortably without anything or anyone bothering me.
It seems like I need that silence, but why so much of it ? Am I simply an introvert ? Or, do I need to concentrate on something that I have not yet discovered; something that can help me to not falling from my path and resting for arbitrary amount of times, more often than not. It really is hard to know what is there to correct.
I have been wondering often about going to Japan. I want to live in Japan. Not only Japan, Tibet also, China is a possibility or India. Any place that could allow me peace and tranquility. And sometime I wonder if i should get a dog, to be on my side and help me feel not too lonely. I thought of getting an Italian Greyhound, because they seem best fitted for apartment life. But it seems like all I want to do is get rid of my loneliness or learning how to coop with it. I wanted to go to Tibet to learn how to meditate and become spiritually richer, and learn how to be peaceful and calm. I wanted to go to Japan to learn the martial art of Karate, to condition my mind and my body to proper discipline, and I thought I could also train my spirituality there. China and India are just two other options, I have not looked too much into it.
I have also been thinking that I might be developing some psychological abnormality due to social isolation. And I thought it maybe is best for me, I was never really feeling fit in society, although people say they like me. So I thought maybe the alternative mentioned above could free me from the social phobia i have developed. I'm not sure anymore if it's confusion, introversion, social phobia, or collateral damage of my thoughts.
I have been wanting a girlfriend too. I started being a little bit more interested in girls recently. For the last couple of years, girls have been bothering me. I've had trust and lack of interest issues. My sexuality is however triggered every time a female human beauty is around, but as soon as I think of me being in couple, it seemed like it was doom. However recently, in the last few months, I've been a little bit more open towards it. I have also been suffering a little bit more. I'm not sure why however, if it's due to my desire to be with someone and not being with someone or... something else that is still vague.

I'm having some issues. And that's why I started this post. My issues are mainly self control related. I think I'm quite good when it comes to self consciousness and self knowledge but... when it comes to self-control, the world seems to spin a little to fast and I don't have the patience, courage, energy, and power to follow. I'm finding it quite difficult to find someone to talk to honestly, people seem to judge from their own perspective and not willing to move anywhere else, and it's putting pressure on me.

I'm working in two hours and a half so I have to start getting ready for work. I also need to clean up the house. I also need to buy a cable for a friend. I need to repair my car. I need to repair my AC. I need to repair my uncle's computer... There are so many things I need to do and I'm just not willing to do them.

Good day